When you make it to your mid/late twenties a lot of things change. You realise that alcohol makes you bloated, it takes a week in the gym to burn off a fish supper, you enjoy curling up on the couch watching gash Channel 4 documentaries on a Saturday night and separating the recycling gives you a feeling of self-actualisation.
Upon realising these things, I have also come up with a list of things I wish that I had never done. Sure, I should forget about them and move on, but where’s the fun in that?
My list ranges from the sublime to the ridiculous so feel free to agree, laugh or feel downright sorry for me. Fine by me!
Right, here we go. Things I wish I’d never done. Ugh jeez, I can feel my teeth clenching in cringe already.
- Cut my hair. When I was 14/15, I had long glorious hair. Not super mad bum long, but boob long hair. It was lovely. And then along came Good Charlotte, Green Day and My Chemical Romance. I suddenly thought I was edgy. Obviously, what was required was an edgy haircut. I had my hair cut up in a choppy, emo style above my shoulders and I have regretted it ever since. My stupid hair has never grown back to anywhere near the same length and it’s all my fucking fault.
- Gone out with my exes. Pfft, need I say more?
- Changed my attitude before going to secondary school. In primary 7, we had a boot of a teacher. Proper witch. She didn’t like me and I didn’t like her. I was too chatty, too silly and too pain in the arse. Before beginning secondary school, I took it upon myself to change my attitude. I told myself I’d stop being so talkative and instead be the quiet girl who keeps to herself and gets her work done. Sure, I got my work done but it didn’t make getting by in school any easier. I finally pulled out of this in around 4th year when I relaxed and stopped pretending I was a goody goody. Who was I kidding, have you met me?!
- Tried to do a semester studying abroad. I was coaxed into it by a lecturer who ended up leaving my uni before I ventured into an unknown hell. I was rushed through the process, thrown into a uni in rural Spain that didn’t teach my subject. I couldn’t speak Spanish, had no way of learning Spanish and wanted to go home. Thankfully my parents came out for two weeks with me and I ended up going home with them. I always regret wasting a lot of their money on that and I hate even thinking about it now. We never speak about it in my house. Too difficult a subject.
- Only applying to two universities. In college during the UCAS palaver, I applied to five different courses in two universities. What a bloody idiot. I should’ve applied to five! I could’ve ended up studying who knows where?
- Started shaving my legs so early. I started the big de-fuzz when I was around 11 and in primary 7. Idiot. The maintenance of this for the past 15 years is only getting worse. What a fool.
So aye! I’m a fanny who makes bad decisions. Who knew?
Now, someone tell me they’ve made worse decisions like burned their house down or called their neighbour a cow. ANYTHING!
Bye bye now!