Hello everyone.
Sorry I’ve been a little quiet for some time. There was a vote going on in Scotland recently and it sort of caused some discussion at times. Not sure if you were aware of it?
But anyway. On top of this vote, I was struck down in my prime by what can only be described as the devil with a serious grudge for me. I was annihilated. Floored. Gubbed. All of them. Completely done in.
You’re probably thinking I’m overreacting or just a hypochondriac but I can tell you I’m not. Even ask my mum and boyf who had to deal with me throughout my darkest days.
So here’s my illness story and possibly you can relate as we’ve all been ill in our lives. Just probably not as ill as me when I’m struck down with the common cold.
Day 1 was Friday of last week. I woke up fine, made my way to work but felt the compelling urge to drink fountains of water to help lubricate my dry throat. The water didn’t help. I spent the day almost drowning myself from the inside out with copious amounts of water.
Cue Saturday, feeling ok. Getting by but feeling kind of tired.
And then hell broke lose on Sunday. I woke up choked up and found myself sneezing uncontrolably.
Sunday seemed fairly manageable until a trip to Costa and I went through more tissue than I have had hot dinners. So sneezy and so vile. And then I had to get 2 trains totalling a journey time of 3 and a half hours from Inverness to Glasgow. I was just not for it but it had to be done however much I wished it didn’t have to be that way.
I have never felt more pity for myself and the man who sat in front of me for 2 hours with me chasing sneezes and blowing crap into overpriced pocket hankies. I was a goner. If that wasn’t enough, the nausea hit me square in the gut and between the eyes. Just let me end it all!
Thankfully my mum picked me up in Glasgow at 10:20pm with Pepto-Bismol to help soothe my spewy feelings. God bless that pink stuff man. It was the most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life and my mouth. And then came Monday.
Stand back man. Monday was the worst. I was close to getting the priest to give me my last rights because I didn’t want to be on this earth any more. I was ill. Like biblically ill. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and my stomach was doing vomity flips. I was of no use to anyone and my poor mum was nursing me back to health.
Then came Tuesday. I woke up twice during the night still feeling like a complete and utter bag of dicks and I had to desperately blow my nose and do that shrug weep thing where no tears come out. I was not a happy person.
On came Wednesday and I slept through the night! Yas! But I was falling asleep on the couch all sad and sorry for myself. Oh boo hoo.
And here we are at Thursday. Sticky nose, raspy throat but on the mend. Thank goodness because I was ready to go to bed and never surface again.
So here are my tips to getting over a cold. You may not believe in my tips but it’s better than nothing eh?
1. Phone your mum. Or dad. Or brother. Or sister. Or friend. Or anyone. If you can, drag someone down with you because you need someone to say, ‘Aw pet’ because you’re going to need it. Netflix and Facebook and not going to give you it.
2. Tissues, tissues everywhere. Get them and continue to top them up. You’re going to need them for days. Oh, and get some carrier bags to keep the dirty tissues in and bin them in a oner. Keep your germs to yourself or someone will swear at your through a sneezing fit over the phone because it was all your fault for leaving your tissues all over the place you thoughtless bastard.
3. Savlon the hell out of your nose. It’s Thursday and I’m still rubbing the stuff on my beak because I genuinely feel if I don’t, my nose will fall off.
4. Paracetemol. If you’re like me, you’ll be living 4 hours at a time and the next glorious moment is when you can knock back 2 more white dreams to take the pain away.
5. Get on the couch. Your bed is probably more comfortable but the entertainment is always better on the couch in the living room. Take the TV- I personally recommend Frasier and the Food Network-, DVD player and passers-by. You’ll get that ‘Aw pet’ you’ve been counting on and with luck, a quilt on the couch. The ultimate ill off school treat.
6. Say thanks! Thank the person who has looked after you because sure as fate, that poor soul is going to get your germs within the next 24 hours. Soz boyf! And possibly soz mum if she hasn’t managed to avoid it.
So there are my tips and I’m beginning to feel better, thanks for asking.
foreveranitchynose 